


Directions

by Lutefiskfisk



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Arguing, Breaking Up & Making Up, Canon Compliant, Declarations Of Love, Delusions, Denial of Feelings, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Torture, Internal Conflict, Love Triangles, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Missing Scene, Moral Dilemmas, Nichorello, Not Actually Unrequited Love, One-Sided Relationship, Requited Unrequited Love, Romantic Angst, Season/Series 05, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Separations, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2019-12-30 14:30:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18317150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lutefiskfisk/pseuds/Lutefiskfisk
Summary: Nicky and Lorna struggle with their feelings for each other. Takes place in season 5.





	1. Divergence

**Author's Note:**

> Ahaha.
> 
> I originally planned this as a standalone fic and created a convoluted mess of notes of things that I wanted to put in, to the point that it felt overwhelming and I could foresee depressing myself writing this. At some point, I had considered scrapping it, but there were some passages that I had already written out and liked well enough, so I thought about turning those into chapters of “Insights”. 
> 
> But while I was rearranging this into chapters, I ended up getting some unexpected inspiration for wrapping it up, so, back to a standalone fic it is, just that it’s now a condensed version (which I believe is better anyway) with a different structure than planned. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy. As always, any feedback is much appreciated!
> 
> Definitions are taken from [merriam-webster.com](https://www.merriam-webster.com).

**divergence** noun  
di·ver·gence | \ də-ˈvər-jən(t)s  , dī-\  
Definition of divergence  
1a : a drawing apart (as of lines extending from a common center)  
b : DIFFERENCE, DISAGREEMENT  
c : the acquisition of dissimilar characters by related organisms in unlike environments  
2 : a deviation from a course or standard  
3 : the condition of being mathematically divergent

 

* * *

 

“Hey, give her some, uh, muscle relaxers. It’ll, uh, help with the crave, give you a little bit of happy. Possible side is some numbness in your extremities.” 

Lorna smiled. Hearing Nicky speak like that felt so good. Sure, she sounded tired and annoyed as she was sitting on the floor like that, but it only heightened her resemblance to a cranky little girl version of a pharmaceutical salesperson, and after experiencing what she was like when she was using mere days ago, it seemed like the purest and most endearing thing that she’d witnessed in a long time. 

“Aw, look at you. So cute,” Lorna fondly gave voice to her thoughts, resisting her urge to crouch down next to the blonde and to hug her tightly. Instead, her elation made her delve into a comical imitation of her own, seeking to hold on to this moment, to this sweet version of Nicky, for just a little longer. Just like she’d hoped, Nicky rewarded her efforts with a bright, glowing smile, and it warmed her heart. Nicky’s speech from just a few hours ago that had frighteningly touched upon unhappiness and suicide was still ringing in her ears. She’d had no idea that the other girl was feeling that way, but now that she knew, all that she wanted was for Nicky to be forever as happy as she was now. And she swore to herself that as long as Nicky was willing to listen to her, she’d do all in her power (that wouldn’t require shedding clothes, that is) to make sure that she was. 

Smiling widely as she committed the precious sight to her memory, Lorna turned to help her next patient. The knowledge that she had Nicky here with her, safe and sound, and that she was able to goof around with the blonde like that gave her peace. It was almost like back in the good old days, before they’d been so ruthlessly torn apart, and maybe she could pretend that it had never happened and that they could simply continue right where they’d been forced to leave it off, whatever ‘it’ was.

 

* * *

 

It was a godforsaken talent of Lorna’s that she could brighten Nicky’s day and make her feel good about herself and, at the same time, make her want to flagellate herself out of frustration and self-disgust.

And now was a prime example for a manifestation of it. Lorna’s little parody was so utterly adorable that it took Nicky all her willpower to not jump at her and snog her senseless right there and then. But then, it was over, and the moment the brunette had turned her back, Nicky’s stomach dropped as she remembered why her self-constraint was required in the first place. 

It was probably the pitiful sight of Soso who was huddled next to her that was serving as a harsh reminder. Nicky couldn’t remember how exactly the younger woman had gotten here, in their little sanctuary for misfits, but she couldn’t help but sympathize. 

Maybe she was going crazy and, most definitely, she was reading way too much into things, but in a weird way, she found that their fates were paralleled. It had been a shared feeling of loneliness and hurt that had brought the two of them together for a fuck in the chapel what now felt like a lifetime ago, and now they were here, together again, reunited by a sentiment of grief. Lorna might not be dead like Washington whom Soso was mourning for, but Nicky still felt like she’d lost her for good. 

She assumed that getting sober had to do with it. The loss of her drugs, of her high, had grounded her in more ways than one, and now that her chemical shield and armor were gone, Lorna’s message had finally gotten through to her. 

She was married. And she was serious about it. She had irrevocably promised herself to that Vinnie guy. And no amount of charming, flirty banter or straight-up seducing – anything that used to be an almost surefire way of getting close to Lorna (in the most literal sort of way) and possibly reminding her of what they’d once had and what they _could_ have – could change her mind. 

It was too late. It was hopeless. She’d lost. The world had revolved in her absence and she was still rooted to the spot.


	2. Standstill

**standstill** noun  
stand·still | \ ˈstan(d)-ˌstil  \  
Definition of standstill  
: a state characterized by absence of motion or of progress : STOP  
brought traffic to a standstill

 

* * *

 

“If you could have anything in the world, what would you have?” 

It was a sincere question, Nicky could tell by the intensity of Lorna’s voice and the way she felt the shorter woman’s eyes boring into her. The blonde knew exactly what Lorna was driving at. Just what couldn’t have been more than an hour ago, Nicky had confessed in the most direct indirect way possible that she loved her. Nay, not only that she _loved_ her, but that she had head-over-heels, completely and irrevocably fallen _in love_ with her. But if she’d hoped for any sort of reaction whatsoever, she’d been sorely mistaken. 

Looking back, however, she wondered what the fuck she’d expected. Lorna would never pull her head out of her ass and deign to entertain the thought that she had this sort of feelings for her. After all, if it hadn’t been for the copious amount of sex they’d had, Nicky would’ve imagined that there’d be a picture of the girl in the dictionary entry of ‘straight’. The thought made Nicky snort inwardly. Maybe she would’ve gotten through Lorna’s thick skull if she’d actually knelt in front of her and proposed. That was probably what that jerk face Vince had done, securing the deal as long as the girl was still available before the next guy could snatch her away. 

And, of course, Lorna had lapped it up. This confirmed it to her. Lorna might crave love, but she certainly didn’t want it from _her_. Not if she was so willing to choose some guy whom she couldn’t have met more than five times over her. 

It really was hopeless. And _this_ – this fucking farce of a non-conversation, being completely ignored after baring her godforsaken heart to her – this was the final straw. She didn’t mean anything to her at all. It couldn’t get more obvious than that. 

She should just give up. Let it go. Wake up from that stupid childish dream of sunshine and daisies. She should never have indulged in it in the first place. It was probably Lorna’s “I love you, too” that had been messing with her head, planting that false hope into her that then had three months’ worth of time to take root and grow, but, clearly, it hadn’t meant the same to the other girl. She knew that now. 

And now, as she was sitting there, poring over the sheet of paper on which she was scribbling down her demands, a spark of anger flamed up in Nicky’s chest. Why the fuck was Lorna asking this question when she couldn’t even condescend to give her certainty? When it should’ve been her turn to respond now, and the least she could do was telling her to her face that she didn’t love her back. So, what the fuck did she want? Some grand emotional gesture like something out of one of her fucking love movies, most likely. But what for? For her to bask in the knowledge that she now had two people fawning on her? Or for an opening, so that she could remind her once more of her fucking vows (as if that was still necessary)? To make fun of pathetic she, Nicky, was, rubbing it in? 

_‘Look at that poor deluded dumbass that still grovels at my feet thinking that I’d want her even after I’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m straight by having a straight wedding with a straight dashing manly man. It’s pathetic. And fucking creepy. I don’t know why I even keep her around anymore. Maybe because it boosts my ego (because being drop-dead gorgeous still isn’t enough to make me understand how great I am) and gives me a good laugh every once in a while.’_

Yeah, that sounded about right. And it was probably childish, but, _no_ , she wouldn’t make a fool of herself and give Lorna the satisfaction. 

It was bad enough, even without saying it out loud, that she knew, in her mind, the specific degree of pathetic that she’d become. The mere memory of how she, in her drug-addled state, had spent weeks chasing after the girl up to the point of forcing her goddamn fingers into her pants made her want to cower in a deep, dark hole and die away in self-disgust. 

The shame was so bad that she felt the sudden urge to shoot up. But what good would that do? She’d only fall back into that mindset and start running after her again. _No_ , she was stronger than that. She had to be. She wouldn’t allow Lorna to have this sort of power over her. 

Or, frankly, she wouldn’t allow anyone. Nobody was worth relapsing for, no matter how terrible they made her feel. And the truth was that, maybe with the exception of Red, pretty much everyone whose affection she’d been seeking had eventually let her know that they didn’t want her. The first had been her parents, of course, but they were soulless bastards anyway. But to think that now even this sweet girl that always saw the good in anyone… _No, stop it!_ Stop it right there! So, she wasn’t lovable to other people, alright, but that only meant that the one who had to love her was herself - which seemed impossible, granted, but she could do it. And if she couldn’t find anything worth loving in herself, she’d simply do it out of spite. 

Maybe it was this that all that shit had to lead to, this epiphany she was meant to have. Focusing on Lorna had given her an excuse for not looking at herself, and, like her mother had said, she’d had to hit rock bottom before she knew which direction to go in. But now she was rising and it suddenly seemed so clear - it was time for her to get over Lorna and to start a new life. And the new improved Nicky would be clean, take care of herself first, and no longer put up with the bullshit of others, especially if that ‘other’ was an amazing insane Italian girl (no, really, _stop it!_ ). 

As much as it hurt, she had to burn this bridge. And her mind conjured up an image of herself in an action movie, suit and sunglasses on, as she was coolly walking away from a site of explosion, and it was liberating. 

“Vaginal orgasms,” she replied in the most unmoved voice that she could muster. A quick sideways glance up at the other girl led her to a rather satisfying look of disillusionment. _Good_. “I hear it’s a thing.”


	3. Convergence

**convergence** noun  
con·ver·gence | \ kən-ˈvər-jən(t)s  \  
Definition of convergence  
1 : the act of converging and especially moving toward union or uniformity  
the convergence of the three rivers  
especially : coordinated movement of the two eyes so that the image of a single point is formed on corresponding retinal areas  
2 : the state or property of being convergent  
3 : independent development of similar characters (as of bodily structure of unrelated organisms or cultural traits) often associated with similarity of habits or environment  
4 : the merging of distinct technologies, industries, or devices into a unified whole  
… offers a variety of services related to the convergence of the Internet and mobile phones.

 

* * *

 

Everything was a mess. 

Just yesterday, Nicky had confessed that she loved her, and Lorna didn’t know how to deal with this new knowledge. Once she’d overcome the shock, part of her was elated that she, who had always assumed that she was too fucked up to be loved, actually _was_ loved, not only by one person, but by two, but this very same thought also made her stomach churn. 

She now saw Nicky’s attempts to get close to her in a new light. What she’d interpreted as disrespectful nonrecognition of her marriage and crudely coaxing her into fucking had really been actions born out of love instead of sheer horniness. Thinking about it, if one disregarded that dreadful episode behind the shed, what the blonde had been trying to do all this time was actually kissing her instead of getting into her pants, something that she’d never done before. But as sweet and heartwarming as it was, this relevation had turned Lorna’s view of the world, the carefully crafted concepts in her mind, upside down. Nicky loved her. She, Lorna, had been more to her than just a lay. Had been more important than heroin even, after all. 

_“Nobody’s gonna love me.”_ \- _“I do.”_

She’d meant it, in the most literal sense. Lorna hadn’t dared to believe it, but it had been real this whole time. 

But what was she to do now? Because even though she couldn’t quite put her finger on it, she _did_ have the urge to act on it _somehow_. But she couldn’t. She was married. Did it mean that her marriage had been a mistake? This was a thought that had been there ever since Nicky had returned from Max. But, _no_ , she couldn’t think that way. She was a woman of faith, and breaking her vows was not an option. And yet, why did it suddenly feel so wrong, this thing that she’d been dreaming of all her life, and why did it feel so right to think of Nicky that way? It was cheating, after all. Bad. Sinful. Not allowed. 

In hopes that a grand gesture of Nicky’s would magically solve her dilemma somehow, she’d tried to get Nicky to say it again, directly to her face this time, in the cafeteria, but that had been to no avail, of course. With hindsight, it was no surprise, and Lorna wondered if maybe she’d even misunderstood her somehow. 

_"... just hopelessly in love with an incredible, insane, beautiful woman who’s never going to love you back. It is just not worth it."_

Well, she didn’t exactly think of herself as “incredible” or “beautiful”, not really, but, as much as it pained her to admit it, “insane” was certainly a fitting, albeit rather unflattering description of hers. But “it is just not worth it.” _“Not worth it.”_ Nicky, this amazing woman who had always been there for her, who had so much to give, was giving up on her, and it was so sad. She had to make it up to her, Lorna decided, before she’d lose her for good. And, moreover, she wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by her. 

The chaos in her mind had led to a night of lying awake on a cushion in the common room (courtesy of Nicky, of course, who, in turn, had been sleeping in what had seemed to be a horribly uncomfortable position, sitting up against the wall, which hadn’t exactly helped Lorna’s conscience), fiddling with her wedding band which had been feeling constrictingly tight, and trying to imagine what it would be like to divorce Vinnie and to be with Nicky instead. It had seemed impossible. The mere thought of what Vinne would think, what her family would think, what the entire community in which she’d grown up would think had been terrifying. And yet… 

She’d wondered why she’d even been asking herself that. Yes, she loved Nicky. But did she really love her _that_ way? Did she really want to spend the rest of her life with her? It had been so much easier when all they’d done was fucking. No strings attached, no need to commit. Simple. But things had changed and left her wondering where the line lay exactly that separated platonic love from romantic love, and how you’d know that you’d crossed it. After all, friends could find each other attractive without being in love, right? So, was what she had just platonic feelings that might have gone _a bit_ overboard or… _something else_? 

In the morning, Lorna had done her best to avoid Nicky, hoping that if she got to be alone, her mind would clear up and everything would fall into place. She’d taken a nice long shower, scraped together a small breakfast out of the remnants of food in the pantry, and ambled along the strangely deserted corridors, making sure to only stick to places that Nicky wasn’t likely to seek out. 

But solitude didn’t solve anything. The lack of distraction, being alone with her messed-up thoughts, only worsened the already hot, searing ache that she was feeling in her stomach. Until she couldn’t take it anymore. 

 

* * *

 

Well, shit. Shit, shit, fuck, shit. She should’ve known. The _‘new improved Nicky’_ was just a mask, poorly strapped onto the same old rotten Nicky, after all. She couldn’t resist Lorna if she tried. She’d never been able to and she doubted that she’d ever be. As much as she hated to admit it, the girl had this unexplainable, frightening sort of power over her. On the outside it might look as if she, Nicky, was the tough one, the one that was dominant, (comparatively) level-headed and always in control, and that sweet little Lorna was the meek one who followed her around and was dependent on her guidance. The truth was, though, that it really was the other way round. Lorna was holding the reins and Nicky was just this lovesick little puppy that was thirsting for every tiny little scrap that the brunette was willing to throw her way. 

This morning, things had still seemed so clear to her. She’d sworn to herself to stay away from Lorna and to stay away from drugs, and to find something, _anything_ , with which she could distract herself in some remotely meaningful way. Gratefully, this ‘something’ had come along in the form of a regular swarm of inmates that were seeking her out, asking her for advice on all sorts of matters. 

She hadn’t been sure why this had been happening (after all, she wasn’t exactly known for making commendable life decisions), though she’d had a hunch that it had been because they’d witnessed her feeble attempts at helping Soso deal with her grief. Whatever the reason was, it had suited her well, and so she’d decided to turn “Doctor Nicky” into a real thing, with an actual “practice” in which she could give her “patients” a bit of privacy while she’d been bullshitting her way through their “sessions”. 

And, man, bullshitting she’d done. Her session with the Weeping Woman had taken the cake as she, Nicky, master of obsession, had advised the older woman to let go. Preposterous. The scary thing was, though, how easily the woman had accepted it. Damn, if it was so simple for someone who’d lose her head over fucking Garfield comics, Nicky had thought, then something must be seriously wrong with herself. 

Because in spite of it all, there’d still been this looming feeling that everything was so _wrong_. It was for the better, sure, but she couldn’t help but feel sadness at the thought that, back in Max, she would’ve given anything to see Lorna again, and if it was just for one last short, tiny glimpse – and now she’d been doing her damnedest to avoid her on purpose. 

And, as though on cue, there she’d been, Lorna, requesting a counseling session of her own and explaining some bullshit (albeit weirdly arousing) dream about some whale. Bless that woman and her overimaginative fucking mind. 

And, suddenly, the girl was in her lap and all thinking, all reason, ceased. It wasn’t even the fact that a smoking hot woman was so fucking close to her, holding her in a way that felt so good, that eventually broke Nicky's resolve. No, what did it were those words. 

_“Oh my God, I missed you so much!”_

She’d been waiting so long to hear these words, this final admission that, in spite of everything the brunette had said during those past weeks, she meant something to Lorna, that she was important to her, that she’d thought of her. And she could no longer pretend. 

She looked up at the girl, searching for a sign that she wanted this, too, and she was met with this warm, glowing smile that made her knees feel week. This smile that looked so inviting and full of acceptance. And, with hindsight, Nicky couldn’t tell to save her life if it was her who had made the move, or if was Lorna, or maybe them both. But that wasn’t important. 

The important thing was that, finally, for the first time ever, their lips met, and Nicky felt her heart race with a sort of giddy excitement that made her feel the absurd urge to scoop Lorna up in her arms and dance around in the room. The kiss was sweet and slow and a little awkward, as though it was a reflection of their whole relationship. There was a voice in Nicky’s head that told her that she might regret this, but she tuned it out. Right now, she tried to be in this moment, to cherish this closeness, to commit to her memory the feel of Lorna’s lips against hers, and to put in all those things that she couldn’t say.


	4. Further

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've considered it for a while, and now I decided to open this up. It's now ending on a more severe note than it originally did and I also can't be assed to think of appropriate direction-y titles for those new chapters, so apologies for both.

It was so good to be close to Nicky again, just as if those gruesome months of separation had never existed, and Lorna wondered how she could've gone just one single day without it.

She opened her eyes, meaning to look down at the woman, her Nicky, who was doing such amazing things to her nether regions. As wonderful as it all was, somehow it felt too good to be true, and she needed to reassure herself that this was truly happening, this taste of her old life that she'd been craving so much for so long, and that Nicky was really here with her.

But as her eyes traveled south, she noticed something. Something was off. Something was… strangely familiar, she realized as she looked closer. She knew what that was. She'd heard of it from her nonna, heard of it from Franny, that thing that all Morello women had in common. But could it be? Her heart hammered with excitement and it was only when she heard Nicky's voice that she realized with a pang that she had totally forgotten about the other woman down there.

"What's the matter, kid?" Nicky asked. "Something wrong?"

"I… I gotta go," Lorna stammered, feeling distraught, and she pushed past the blonde, hastily dressed herself and bolted out of the room, not taking a second look at the other's confused face.

She was sorry for leaving Nicky behind like this, and she swore to herself that she'd explain it to her in due time, but she really needed a moment alone to process this turn of events. She found a deserted toilet stall and with shaky hands, she locked the door behind herself, sank onto the lid and lifted her shirt. Her eyes hadn't fooled her. Here, in the brighter light of the bathroom, it was even more obvious. Her nipples clearly were a few shades darker than usual, which could only mean-

She was becoming a mother. She let out a shaky laugh. How long had it been since Vinnie had put his stuffing into her cannelloni? Exactly 79 days, easy. She was nearing three months, so in as little as half a year, she and her husband and the little one inside her womb would be a family. A real family. The one thing she'd craved ever since she was a girl, and now it was becoming reality.

Excitement surged through her body. Everything was so perfect. For once in her life, things were going well for her. She had Nicky back, she had a loving husband, and now a child. Mere months ago, she'd felt so lonely that she was sure that she'd never, ever be happy again. And now here she was, surrounded by people that belonged to her. A family. A future.

Holding a hand to her belly ( _'There's a person in there,'_ she thought), she slowly rose to her feet and walked back to the pharmacy. In her giddiness, she couldn't wait to tell Nicky the good news, and her smile became even wider when she imagined the blonde's reaction. Nicky would be so happy for her. There was no doubt. Lorna could practically see it with her mind's eye - Nicky bubbling with excitement, hugging her, trying to listen to the baby in her tummy, and then they'd talk about names, parenting techniques, and everything. The blonde may be abrasive sometimes, but Lorna knew she'd always take her side.

But what happened when she'd finally found her (in the cafeteria, not in the pharmacy) could hardly have been more different. Nicky just laughed it off, mocking her, downright refusing to believe her, and even went was far as to call her-

_"... batshit crazy!"_

What… what the fuck was happening? Nicky was supposed to be delighted, not insulting. She wasn't prepared for this. It wasn't fucking supposed to go like this.

_"I love you so much, Lorna."_

_"...you can't just, like, uh, keep doing whatever the fuck you want…"_

_"It's past. It's sad, you know?"_

She heard the words, but she didn't understand, couldn't process all those things that Nicky was hurling at her as she was working herself up into an increasingly agitated rant.

_"... I can't help you…"_

_"...what if you go see the prison therapist, right?"_

_"...a dumbass sucker crazy person for letting myself do this again."_

It was as if her brain had short-circuited, and all she found herself able to do was sitting there speechlessly, pathetically, and trying to understand, trying to find a word to say, something, _anything_. 

_"...tell me to never ever,_ ever _do_ this _again, right?"_

It was only when Nicky had left that Lorna fully realized that she'd fucked it up. Of course she had. She always fucked it up. And this time, it seemed that they'd crossed the line beyond which things could no longer be fixed. 

 

* * *

 

It was like a blow to Nicky's stomach. Not that she should have expected anything better, but, yeah, for a dumb fleeting moment, she had allowed herself to hope that Lorna wanted to fuck because she actually wanted _her_. And now she had to pay for her foolishness. Because the reality was that, obviously, the girl found being with her so shameful that she had to find excuses for it, even going as far as making up a fucking pregnancy to blame it on the hormones. Another lesson learned. 

The sad thing was that Lorna's delivery was so enthusiastic, she seemed to genuinely believe it. Perhaps Nicky might have found it cute (or at least mildly entertaining) in a freaky way if it had been any other woman, but since she had an idea of how Lorna's mind worked, she saw it as just another indicator of how sick the girl was. But she couldn't think too much about it right now. The hurt was too strong. 

She’d thankfully managed to keep it inside while she was venting her frustration at Lorna (and damn, did it feel good to finally let out all the shit she'd kept bottled up for way too long), but the moment she was out of the chow hall, hot tears started to stream down her cheeks. Damn. Nicky Nichols never cried, but _this fucking woman_ had actually managed to make her so. 

_"It's the hormones. They made me do it with you."_

Shame burned in her stomach, and as though it wasn't bad enough that she couldn't get those fucking words out of her head, fucking Marka had to join the party. 

_"For God's sake, don't be such a goddamn crybaby! Pull yourself together! You have nothing to cry about! Other people have it so much worse!"_

Her ego aside, she figured that she couldn't be seen like that by the other inmates. It was a matter of principle that she refused to let others see her as weak, even if she really was, but as a daughter of Red's, she also had a reputation to lose. 

She didn't even think about it. Numbly, as though on autopilot, she walked straight into the nearest shower stall, turned on the faucet and let the water wash over her, not wasting a thought on the fact that she was still fully clothed. The icy stream bit at her skin and muffled her sobs and she could pretend that all the liquid that was running down her cheeks was just water, not tears. And maybe, if she stood like this long enough, it would finally wash away all those feelings of shame and regret and everything else that was so deeply fucked up in her. 

It never came to that because, all of a sudden, the curtain was ripped away and she came face to face with a rather nonplussed-looking Vause. Perfect. But she tried to remind herself that Vause was safe. After all, in what felt like a different lifetime, the taller woman had allowed Nicky to see her cry as well. And, gratefully, Vause just accepted it without making a fuss. 

She also seemed to have some freak problem of her own, and somehow this calmed Nicky down. The fuck was that now? Had she sunken so low that she was now deriving her happiness from other people's misery? Or had taking care of other people's problems become her latest drug? Whatever. If The New Improved Nicky was making a comeback, maybe it was time for her to stay for good. Kill off the weak good-for-nothing idiot person that was the old Nicky and burn those bridges for good. Anything was better than this.


	5. And Further

Now without Nicky again, Lorna didn't know how to survive in a fucking prison riot. Fragile and delicate, she just wasn't cut out for that shit. Not like all those tough women around her.

So she decided to turn to Vinnie. Not only because he was the only person she had left, but he also needed to know that he was becoming a father. The father of her child. For a blissful two hours or so, the thought made her body abuzz with ecstasy. But then, he left her, too.

He wasn't a good man. He hated her. Everybody hated her. She knew that now. That's what people do. No matter how hard she tried to please everyone, no matter how much effort she put into always looking nice, there was something fundamentally wrong deep inside her that she couldn't disguise and that made her impossible to love, and sooner or later people inevitably caught on to that. First her parents, then everyone at school, then Christopher, and now even the man who, by law and vows, was supposed to love her. Till death do us part.

What sent her over the edge completely was that she caught Nicky, sweet loyal Nicky, making out with some unknown whore right there in the hallway. The blonde had moved on, just like that, and that proved it to her - she was nothing special, just one of many, a replaceable piece of meat. Or was it that she'd fucked up so badly that Nicky had no choice but to escape from her, fleeing into the arms of someone normal?

White-hot self-disgust surged through her. She was vile. Bad. A disturbance that did nothing but leave behind a path of destruction wherever she went. She didn't deserve good things, didn't deserve to breathe the same air as them, and maybe she should just have the decency to remove herself because she clearly had no place in a world where-

_"They said… I'm crazy."_

It was when she heard these resigned words from poor, terrified Suzanne, summing up so perfectly the story of her own life, that something in Lorna's mind snapped into place.

Other people saw them both as less than, as _crazy_ , and considered aspects of their very being so undesirable that they had to be medicated away. Wasn't that fucked up? And, finally, she saw it with so much clarity: it wasn't the two of them that were sick, it was society, forcing their disgusting standards onto them. But no more.

_"'Crazy' is just a word people invented to keep the extra-interesting people down."_

No-one should have the power to cage them in. She'd liberate herself, liberate all those poor, tortured souls, and they would finally stand tall and proud, claiming their space and re-defining 'normal'.

She didn't know what had eventually driven her to take a pregnancy test. Maybe it was boredom. Or maybe being hit by yet another onslaught of women that called her 'crazy' had filled her with a desire to prove them wrong. She wasn't fucking delusional. She knew the truth. She’d show them. And she'd have the last laugh when they came crawling on their knees, begging for forgiveness. _Ha!_

The test came out positive and Lorna was shaking. She knew it! She fucking knew it! But… was this really happening? Wasn't she just imagining it? Had she somehow handled it wrong? Had she jinxed it by wishing so badly that it was true? After all, Nicky had said that she wasn't pregnant and Nicky always spoke the truth. She couldn't afford a blunder now - she needed to be absolutely certain before she could show it to her. Before she could allow herself to believe it was real.

It was so much easier when it was only happening in her head.

 

* * *

 

For once in the never-ending series of fuck-ups that was her life, Nicky genuinely tried to be a decent person, and where did it land her? Tied up in a closet where she was forced to watch as Pisca-fucking-tella was doing sick, demented things to her mother.

The mental image of Red getting scalped had seared itself into her mind. And the subsequent crazy shouting match down in the bunker ( _a fucking bunker_ ) wasn't helping. She wanted to escape it all. She craved a fix. Or better yet, being near the person that embodied everything that was good in this world.

Being with Lorna instantly calmed her down, but when she saw the freaking drawer full of positive pregnancy tests, Nicky's heart sank. She felt like such an asshole for being so nasty to Lorna when the girl had been right all along. And, of course, that was just her luck. For once, some impossible shit coming out of Lorna's mouth wasn't rooted in a delusion, and of all the possible things, it had to be about a fucking pregnancy.

That changed everything. It had been all fun and games when it was just between her and Vinnie, but now that a baby was involved, she could no longer interfere. The kid deserved to have a sweet loving mother and a hopefully not complete loser of a father. And she, Nicky, couldn't take that away from it, turning its parents into the new Les and Marka. No, Lorna's child wouldn't be going down the path that she had. Not as long as she could do anything about it.

_"Oh my God! Nicky, what kind of a life is that for a baby?"_

It broke her heart to hear just how much Lorna was worrying about the future of the child. The love that the girl had for her kid was virtually palpable and Nicky realized that the only way to make Lorna happy was by assuring her that the baby would be okay. And giving her a hug and spewing a bunch of empty words just wasn't enough this time.

This was no longer about wooing the girl. This was about being a decent human being and doing the right thing. The sort of shit that The New Improved Nicky would do.

Lorna deserved to have everything she ever wanted. And Nicky decided that if she couldn't give her those things the way she would've liked, then at least she'd give them to her the way she could.

At least that's what she tried to tell herself when she was making that dreaded phone call. Everything to not give that flakey, chicken-hearted ass clown of a fair-weather husband on the other end of the line the satisfaction of knowing how much it was hurting her to do this. But the moment she hung up, her countenance dropped. She doubled over and her stomach propelled what little it contained onto the hardwood floor. Tears and sick ran down her face as her body was shaking with nerves and her heavy, shuddering breaths.

But this concluded her part. From here on, all she could do was hope that Vincent would treat Lorna right and that the lucky bastard appreciated what he had. When she'd heard his words, she couldn't help but be concerned.

_"Shit's bananas."_

_"I didn't sign up for this shit."_

But it was impossible to not fall in love with Lorna once you'd really gotten to know her, and, surely, even an undeserving fucking dunce like Vincent would realize that, and if it was just because of the how-to guide that she'd actually needed to give to him. At least, Nicky noted with relief, despite the fact that he'd abandoned Lorna (and she still wanted to fucking strangle him for that), he didn't seem to be a complete asshole. She'd never, ever forgive herself if she'd given up Lorna to a man who wouldn't be good to her. But this guy, albeit as dumb as a fucking bag of rocks, seemed alright, at least as far as men go. Probably the kind of guy that could be nagged into changing diapers and shit. Nicky had no idea what he looked like, but she could practically see Lorna bossing him around, making him calm the baby down at night and take it to doctor's appointments, and all that other thankless crap while she dressed the kid into disgustingly cute outfits and selected funny toys. 

It was probably for the best, Nicky figured. She'd never been good with children anyway.

And when she saw Red again, she'd ask her for one of those 'Great Job' stickers.


	6. Apart

The prison was stormed and everything was plunged into chaos. And Lorna did what she does best: turn her back and pretend it wasn't happening.

She was glad that things between Nicky and her were good again. _Nicky._ Just the way the name sounded in her head filled her with a comforting warmth. She was so good to her. No matter how shitty things got between them, at the end of the day, Nicky always found her way back to her. She was the only one who did.

Relief washed over her when the blonde returned to the pharmacy from whatever it was that she'd needed to do, looking a bit frenzied, but wonderfully whole, and she felt even better when Nicky allowed her to let out all those anxious thoughts that her mind had conjured up during her absence. Talking to Nicky always made things better. But a new wave of panic washed over her when the blonde announced that she had to leave again.

_"No. No, you can't go. You have to stay."_

_'Terrible, terrible things are gonna happen the moment you let go of me. Please don't ever go.'_

_"Alright, kid. Five more minutes, okay?"_

_Not enough._ But she'd savor every nanosecond of those precious few minutes, and maybe, she hoped, Nicky would forget about the time and they could just keep sitting here forever and ever, unperturbed, like nothing could ever touch them. That would be nice.

But then, everything happened so quickly. One moment, they were huddled up on the floor, and the next moment, there was a jumble of agitated voices, an unconscious Suzanne, and Nicky saying something about a safe place to which she couldn't join her. For a moment, it stung. Didn't she want her with her? But then she remembered the baby.

_'She's so good, always looking out for me.'_

But it meant that they had to part ways in a manner that was even more drastic than Lorna had feared. When they hugged goodbye, she tried to commit everything about Nicky to her memory. Her smell, her warmth, the way she felt in her arms. She hadn't had the chance to say goodbye when the blonde got sent to Max, but she could now. And she tried to put everything into this hug, all those things that she'd never been able to properly put into words.

_'I'm so sorry our time together was so bad. If I could start it all over, I would. Please know that you mean_ so much _to me.'_

Before Lorna turned around the corner, she took one last look back. Nicky was already on her way, seemingly focused on what lay ahead of her. Lorna's heart sank a little. She probably shouldn't have expected too much, but a lifetime of watching romantic movies had given her the idea that this was where two lovers that were torn apart would longingly look back at each other. But Nicky wasn't that kind of person. Leaving came so much easier to her.

But it wasn't forever anyway, right? Didn't Nicky say she'd come for her after showing the girls how to get to the place? She couldn't recall. Hardly any time had passed at all, and she already wished she had remembered Nicky's words better. _'Her last words,'_ a nasty voice in her head piped up, but she pushed the thought aside. Nicky _would_ come back. She had to.

As she was kneeling outside, Lorna perked up every time yet another person came out of the building, only to feel the knots in her stomach tighten when she realized that Nicky wasn't among them. Gradually, darkness settled down on them and it became colder with every minute. Lorna's knees and back were crying out with pain and any euphoria that she'd felt upon Vinnie's return had been replaced by that nagging, stomach-churning feeling of uncertainty.

_'Where are you, Nicky?'_ she thought. _'Please come here. Don't make me wait any longer. This ain't funny anymore. I need you here. I'm so worried about you. Shit, I should've insisted in coming with you. Why the fuck did I allow us to be torn apart_ again _?'_

Even when she was in the bus, she couldn't help but watch out for that no-longer-as-familiar mop of hair. Maybe Nicky was out there somewhere in this mess. Maybe she'd been held up by something but would be knocking on the door of her bus at the very last moment. And then, they'd finally be reunited and all would be okay. Wherever it was that they were going, she could handle it as long as Nicky was by her side. But then, the bus started to roll and Nicky still wasn't there.

No. _No!_ This couldn't be happening! It just wasn't possible that she, Lorna, was sent off into the unknown, God knows where, while Nicky got left behind. This couldn't be fucking goodbye forever. Not when they'd been talking, holding each other, just mere hours ago. In a bout of panic, Lorna twisted in her seat and trained her eyes on the prison which became smaller and smaller as the distance between Nicky and herself became bigger and bigger, and tears were falling down her cold cheeks.

 

* * *

 

She owed this to Red, Nicky kept telling herself as she raced down the hallways. The woman was the first person who had ever truly cared about her and had never, ever let her down, and this was the least she could do for her. Even though she was really fucking putting her life on the line trying to get back to the bunker while armed fucking troops were storming the building - Red needed to know what was going on. She couldn't be blissfully unaware down there, unprepared, when those gun-toting buffoons were breaking into the room and drawing their own conclusions from the sight of Piscatella in that ridiculous stockade - and then what? The thought made Nicky's stomach churn. She hoped that she (and those foundlings she had in tow) would get there before they did.

It wasn't easy to stay focused on these thoughts, though. In fact, she'd barely left the pharmacy when she'd strongly considered to just go _'Fuck all that'_ and turn back.

It had been Lorna's voice that had done that, as she was yelling at the troopers that she was pregnant. Nicky had turned her head, but the brunette had already been out of sight, and Nicky had needed to apply all her willpower to not run after her and assure herself that those brutes weren't hurting the girl.

She couldn't let go. And her fucking inability to resist Lorna had made the separation even more painful than it needed to be. She'd had imagined that after calling The Husband, she'd close that chapter of her life. Let Lorna have the life she'd always dreamt of and let herself move on, away from the pain of never being loved back by the girl. But then, Lorna had looked up at her with those big scared eyes, and she'd been sucked right back in. And, finally, the girl had clung to her so tightly that she might have left an imprint of her body all over her. She could still feel the sensation of her warm arms on her back.

But maybe it was that, a lingering presence of Lorna's that was giving her the strength to keep going. Dodging the troops and going through the subsequent drama of getting Suzanne back into the world of the living, it was okay. But then, fucking Chapman just _had_ to ask.

_"Where's Lorna?"_

And then, it all came flooding back to her. It hurt too much to try and come up with a response, and she could no longer meet the eye of Red whose face clearly said that she fully understood what was going on. Jesus, did everyone and their dog see them as one unit? Nicky and Lorna. Lorna and Nicky. She wondered if they'd been acting like that around Lorna, too, after she'd been sent down the hill.

Despite her upbringing, Nicky wasn't spiritual. She didn't believe that all things happened for a reason. Still, she'd wondered why it was that she'd been allowed to return to camp only to find out that Lorna had gotten married. Now she knew. It was for this last chance to see her. For a chance to say goodbye, properly this time and with the reassuring knowledge that the girl would be happy and get to have the life she'd always wanted, before their ways parted for good. She didn't think that she'd done all she could to make the most of their time. Hell, definitely not. She'd spent most of it scoring H and being nasty. But at least they'd ended it on good terms. She could make her peace with it, eventually.

As the women were standing there, holding hands, and the room was quaking from the explosion, Nicky was glad that she'd let Lorna go. This was fucking dangerous, and there was a real chance that she could die tonight. But if that happened, it would be with the knowledge that Lorna and her kid were safe and able to move on without being weighed down by her. Vincent better took good care of them.


End file.
